


If You Leave

by Annie46fic



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: J2 non-AU Challenge 2013, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:59:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie46fic/pseuds/Annie46fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelve and a quarter years of his life have been spent with Jensen on Supernatural and now, just as Jensen is leaving, Jared realizes he has been in love with the guy all along. Jared’s desperate quest to get Jensen back leads to a snowbound airport on Christmas Eve and revelations for both of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Leave

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the j2noauchallenge on LJ and based on the following prompt - _Jared/Jensen, Jared's POV, written in prose, hardly any dialog (only when appropriate), melancholic tone, if possible! Jensen decides to leave Supernatural (for whatever reason) and Jared tries to get him back._
> 
> A/N Many thanks to my artist -amber1960 - You can see her wonderful artwork [here.](http://amber1960.livejournal.com/126723.html)

Jared stares out of the window at the thick flakes of snow that obscure his vision and turn the world white. Ten days until Christmas and hiatus but this time, when Jared comes back here, there will be no Jensen.

Jared can map his life in a series of defining moments; the moment he walked on stage holding that stupid surf board at the Teen Choice awards, the moment he got the part of Sam Winchester, the moment that Gen said _Yes_ to him, the moment that Thomas was born, the day Gen asked for a divorce. These are flashes of time in a life that had been mostly good and yet none of them compared to the moment Jensen had taken him to one side and said, quietly, _’I’m quitting at Christmas, Jared. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore’_

Twelve years, almost a quarter of his life spent here in Vancouver on Supernatural. Hell, he hadn’t even considered the program going beyond Season One and yet here they were on the cusp of Season Twelve making television history and still pulling in the fans. Jared thought he might be Sam Winchester forever, joked with the crew that soon it would be, _Sam & Dean hunting ghosts in an old folks home_. He wasn’t unhappy, he liked his job and it brought in the bacon. He liked his co-workers and he had gotten used to the long hours. Overall, he had a good life and he had always looked on the positive side but all that had changed in an instant when Jensen had made his shock announcement.

Perhaps, deep inside, Jared had always been in love with Jensen. Perhaps, the reason he had stayed here all these years, turned down film roles and became Sam day after day, week after week, was because he was in love with Jensen. Jared didn’t think he was gay despite the constant speculation. Hell he had been with Sandy and married to Gen but there was just something about Jensen that moved him in a way neither of those women had. Jared couldn’t put a name to it, wondered if there was actually even a name for it, but he still felt it, bright and burning in his gut and he couldn’t imagine, couldn’t conceive, being here without Jensen by his side.

The powers that be had assured him that they could see out the rest of the season with just Sam. Jared couldn’t get his head around that one. Sure, there was Garth, Jody, Castiel and various others who could fill the gap. Sure, the producers and writers had introduced new characters who might step into the Impala. They realized that the fan base would dwindle, that Jensen’s departure would spell the end of the program once and for all but they had to fulfill their obligations to the CW, had to give them something. At present, they were discussing how they were going to kill Dean for good, how Sam was going to react, and how Sam was going to behave. Jared had been in constant contact with them but, frankly, he didn’t really care. He wanted to quit himself, to run away like a child and hide his head in his momma’s apron; pretend none of this was actually happening. However, he knew he couldn’t, so he stayed, his memory replaying Jensen’s last words to him over and over, his stomach clenching, his eyes burning, a desperate longing for his friend that was almost painful.

He didn’t know what to do, how to feel. All he did know is that he wanted Jensen back, he needed Jensen back and he would do everything in his power to persuade Jensen to stay, to see out the rest of the season. After that, he didn’t have any answers and he felt as if his life was running away from him, shattered the moment Jensen had turned his back and left.

****

They have a few more scenes to film and he knows it is going to be painful. Jensen isn’t coming back onto the set and they are rewriting scenes like crazy. Jared stands there cold and lonely. He realizes he just doesn’t want to do this without Jensen, realizes there is no Sam without Dean but he is contracted to see this out and to break his contract now would be career suicide. A little voice inside of him tells him that Jensen has already done that, walked away, turned his back. Jensen faces a huge lawsuit if the producers or the CW decides to act but Jared doesn’t think they will. Everyone loves and respects Jensen and they seem more sympathetic than angry. Jared swallows; there is a film in the pipeline if he toes the party line and he has to keep telling himself that, to keep himself going, though Jensen’s absence is like a huge hole where his heart and soul should be.

He rings but Jensen doesn’t answer; he tries every cell number he knows but it just goes to voice mail and he can’t think of a single thing to say. There is more snow falling, getting deeper and deeper by the day with flights out of Vancouver cancelled and the roads almost impossible to pass. Jared wonders if he will be able to get home, wonders if he’ll be forced to stay here alone and miserable. He doesn’t want to miss Christmas day with his family, doesn’t want to miss seeing Thomas, growing up now and aware, over the holidays. He wishes, fervently, that Jensen was still here with him but Jensen is long gone and Jared doesn’t have a safety net anymore and he is falling.

****

 _’Please come back’_. Jared is aware of how desperate and sad he sounds, _’don’t leave me here alone’_. He goes for joking and light hearted but he is certain he fails. Jensen’s voice mail bleeps and he is left with nothing but a sharp buzzing in his ears, the pain in his throat so bad he can’t even swallow it down.

It is Christmas Eve and he is at the airport praying he will get a flight. The place is heaving with hopeful travelers all with the same thoughts and Jared pushes his way through the throng never so grateful for being taller than all the rest, his eyes darting here and there as he drags his case along, his arm aching, his heart full of desperate faith.

He sees Jensen long before Jensen sees him. 

Jensen, like all the others, Jared included, is rushing through the airport, overnight bag clutched in his gloved hands, his face almost obscured by the woolen hat he has pulled down over his head. The only difference between Jensen and the others is that Jensen is arriving, he is – technically, swimming against the tide, going away from the departure lounge, his face a study in determination.

Jared is struck dumb; standing stock still in the middle of the airport, his mouth so dry he couldn’t cry out even if he wanted to.

He thinks of other days, other times he has been through this airport. He remembers returning from various cons with Jensen by his side. Both of them laughing, teasing, signing autographs and posing for silly photos. He remembers coming back for Season 10 newly divorced, Jensen walking in front of him like a shield, fielding questions and refusing photographs, protecting Jared from the world at large, holding him afterwards and letting him cry, Jensen’s wet shoulder like a benediction.

He remembers Danneel’s angry departure after Jensen’s own messy separation, recalls holding on to Jensen’s elbow, pulling him back, feeling the anger radiate through Jensen’s entire body. He remembers Jensen’s own tears at the thought of being separated from his kid, recalls how messy it all got and how he tried so hard to be Jensen’s rock. He can see the scene in his mind as if it were yesterday and he realizes, with a jolt, that the last twelve years of his life have been dominated by Jensen; his presence comforting, all encompassing, more important to Jared than his wife or any of his girlfriends before or since.

He realizes that people are jostling by him, mumbling and complaining, giving him angry glances and side eying him. He can’t move, feels like his feet are stuck in quicksand. He called Jensen and Jensen is here. JENSEN IS HERE. He swallows down everything, turns and heaves into the crowd. His heart is pounding, his eyes are damp and his throat is closing but he knows he has to get to Jensen, knows that this maybe is his very last chance.

****

Years ago when he was a kid Jared watched _A Wonderful Life_ with his parents. It was an old film even then, black and white and very old fashioned. His enduring memory of that film was of George Bailey running through the town to get to his family. Jared remembers feeling intense happiness when he watched that scene, recalls feeling so happy he almost cried with it. Now, nearly thirty years later, he feels like George Bailey as he runs through the airport to get to Jensen. His stomach is clenching and there are tears wet on his cheeks but he is running, running, running, forcing the crowds to part around him as he finally manages to get to the one person who matters.

“Jensen.” He catches the older man’s arm and tugs; Jensen turns around looking amusingly shocked, his green eyes bright as he focuses on Jared’s face. Neither of them speaks, but then neither of them have to. For a moment everything slows, the noise around them settles into a hum, the hordes still, the world holds it breath. Jared wants to sweep Jensen up into his arms and kiss him but all he can do is to stand, stock-still holding onto Jensen’s shoulder, his whole body tense as, like the world, he waits.

“Jared.” Jensen smiles then, and there appears to be a collective sigh of relief. “I was just coming to see you.”

“Let’s go home,” Jared whispers and Jensen just nods, lets Jared take his suitcase as he follows the younger man out of the airport and into a waiting taxi.

****

 _J2_ – that’s what the fan girls always called them. Jared saw so many convention pictures from those early days and it was easy to see why people thought they might be an item. Jared wondered if he had always been so fucking transparent, the love he felt for his co-star shining out through his eyes, playing out through body language and occasional touches, a hand on the back of the neck, a silly pretend kiss, an arm around broad shoulders. 

Now, sitting in the taxi as the snow falls around them, Jared could see everything laid out before him. He could see the open affection on Jensen’s face, see the longing in that green gaze. Jensen was silent, but it was a comfortable silence, it wrapped itself around them and told its own story.

They had both been husbands and fathers and Jared felt regret that he hadn’t been very good at either. He had thought he loved Gen and he adored Thomas beyond all reason and, despite what people had thought, he hadn’t been _bearding_ to hide the gay, he had genuinely wanted to make things work but they hadn’t and, sitting here in this taxi with Jen, it was easy to see why.

He couldn’t love anyone else – he was in love with Jensen.

**** 

His apartment is warm, the fir tree he put up earlier glittering with over a hundred tiny fairy lights. It is almost ten o’ clock on Christmas Eve and he isn’t going _home_ for Christmas. There is a lingering sadness there, a sadness because Thomas will miss him but that is all, he can’t help but feel contented, happy almost because Jensen is back. Jensen is here.

He wants to ask, _’Why? Why did you quit? Why did you leave me?’_ , but it doesn’t matter now, nothing matters, just the flickering lights, the blazing fire and Jensen. They will have to talk about it sometime but just not now.

He takes off his clothes with shaking hands; he hasn’t ever done this with a man and never even thought about it before but he watches Jensen watch him and he feels almost weak with arousal, his fingers trembling over buttons and zippers, the feel of the fire on his skin, the burning of Jensen’s eyes almost as hot. 

Jensen’s touch is soothing, gentle, and tender. He lays Jared down on the rug by the fire and strokes him until he can’t think straight. He prepares him slowly and carefully, knows Jared is scared, feels it in every single move Jared makes. Jensen holds him and kisses him until there is nothing else but the two of them inexorably joined as one, skin on skin. This moment almost inevitable from the very moment, they laid eyes on each other, a love which could not be hidden, or denied. Finally, it’s happening in the here and now. Finally, it is real.

****

“I left because I was in love with you, and I couldn’t hide it any longer,” Jensen’s voice is hoarse, soft against his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jared knows it is the truth that everything is okay now. “I understand because I’m in love with you too.”

Jensen doesn’t say a word but his smile is enough; twelve years and they have finally arrived at their destination even if the journey has been rough.

“Are you coming back?” Jared didn’t mean to ask it, doesn’t want to use too many more words. The show is finished whatever happens, neither of them are getting any younger but he is certain the producers won’t want _the gay_ put out there and he isn’t giving Jensen up anytime soon.

“Yeah – Sam and Dean deserve some sort of closure.” Jensen’s words ring true, Jared feels as if Sam is a real part of him and he doesn’t want to let him down, he also knows Jensen feels the same about Dean and he breathes a sigh of relief as he realizes Jensen is staying.

“To the end, then?” Jared says and he feels a real mixture of extreme happiness yet bittersweet sadness because without Supernatural, without Vancouver, this wouldn’t be possible.

“No,” Jensen’s tone is soft, his words sparing. “To the beginning . . . .”

Jared stares out of the window at the thick flakes of snow that obscure his vision and turn the world white. Christmas Day and hiatus and he won’t even need to come back here because he never left and best of all – when the show returns so will Jensen and they can say their goodbyes together.

End.


End file.
